I am Crabby Hayes, I am Miss Mc Hale, I am Granny Baxter, I am the Grinch, I’m Old Man Warner. I am all of these and more, and I’m not happy about it. Patience is something that one either has or doesn’t. For me, there is no in-between and you’ve always known that about me.

Near the end, before any hospital visits, you became more demanding of my time and services. I remember telling you that you were being mean to me. I was frustrated and sometimes even angry. It was so difficult to maintain composure and be polite to you. I remember telling you at one point that ‘it is ok for me to be in a different room than you’, that ‘I would come back’, and for you to please be patient with me.

I didn’t know what was happening/about to happen with you, and now realize that you didn’t know either.

I wonder what you were thinking during this time, this time of pre-onset illness, this time before the wheels fell off… of everything. I wonder how you felt during this period of time. While I was too wrapped up in how I felt, and not with what you were feeling. I’m sorry. I wish I could have done more for you.

I wish I could have been more compassionate. I wish I could have been more present, for you.

There is a lot of pressure on me right now. Pressure that I did not ask for, pressure that I do not want. My mind is either in the clouds or fog lately. I’m forgetting, I’m not caring of some things. And the pressure is creating a weight that keeps getting heavier and heavier.

What else?

I would have swapped places with you in a heartbeat and believe that you would have better handled the caregiver role than me. I didn’t want for you to be in decline. I didn’t want for you to be sad, I didn’t want for you to hurt. I didn’t want you to go. I didn’t want any of it for you. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want it.

I am glad you didn’t have to go through anything that I have experienced as your surviving spouse, although I know you would have been much better with all the logistics involved. But the heartache of loss, I wouldn’t want any part of that for you. You are far too precious to imagine any of that burden for you. What would you do now?, I wonder. How would you handle the daily stress and weight of spousal loss?

I am not sure what is next to come. I am not sure what my future will bring to me or to those around me. It’s all so unsettling, and I am scared.