Yes, I Am Afraid

But I won’t admit that I am. Afraid that is. I have lived this life as a controlling person. One who often never knew ‘when to say when’, when it came to drinking alcohol. I managed, I planned, I scheduled, and I took care of everything and everybody. I also smoke cigarettes, a lot of them. Everybody smoked, people whom I worked with, friends, neighbors. At least most people that I knew smoked, including all of my brothers. However I did manage to stop the harmful habit due to my family’s pressure. Darn family.

I also didn’t smoke, and would behind closed doors mock others for doing so. “Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette. Smoke, smoke, smoke yourself to death.”

Quite strong, I wake up every morning and do pull-ups . There were times when I would make an executive decision and change-up a room’s arrangement. Since I didn’t work, I was home all of the time and would rearrange heavy furniture throughout the house. Once, I decided to move an upright piano into a different room and managed to get it out of one room and then down a long (long enough) hallway. The struggle was challenging but was met with a dead-end when I reached a 90 degree turn leading into the remaining portion of the hallway. Back to its original location. Good workout nonetheless it was.

Strong and determined, that’s who I am. I will make all of my decisions, on my own, and without any advice from others. Don’t even try with me. I’ll make decisions when I want to make decisions. If I want to make decisions. I’ll even decide that, …deciding if I want to decide. Wow, cerebral circles in my head! Forgive me, but in discussion I’m also good at changing the subject if I don’t approve. I need to make approval of everything because if I don’t, I’m not in control.

Breaking a bone won’t even stop me from productivity, or the controlling management of others. I am a good manager of others, at least ‘my own’ others.

I don’t like to do housework though, and I also don’t care to do my own yard work. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. Me, me, me, ….. me!

You know, things have changed. Sitting around the house watching TV is great. Watching sports all day, or a movie… it doesn’t matter really. I’m just sitting here in my easy chair, beer in hand, enjoying myself. It’s awesome. Hopefully one of those kids will come over to the house since I don’t like to go anywhere. Once they’re here, I can hardly wait until they leave, haha. We gotta keep a schedule here people, I have nothing to do, and no one to see. Nothing, except to do nothing. I love it, it is so relaxing to do nothing!

I’m still sitting here, doing absolutely nothing.

I really like to complain because things are not exactly how I would like them to be. Do this, do that, just know that it had better be done exactly how I want it to be done otherwise you will be met with opposition from every angle. Complaining is part of who I am, that’s pretty much all I do. I can’t stand all the complaining. Wish I was somewhere else. There’s nothing to do except sit here and listen to all that complaining! There is so much to do here but I don’t want to do anything. I just want to complain but I despise hearing it all day. Not even sure if I want to complain actually, but I do anyway.

Sports don’t even do anything for me, although I’ll still watch them and then say I don’t care. Apparently I do care. I don’t even know.

Perhaps I need to make another phone call and complain to someone else. NOTHING is ever right to my total satisfaction. I’ll keep trying though, but don’t hurt me! You just don’t know how to handle another person. I think I’ll complain about you too. Maybe I’ll get someone else sent to me. Don’t they know they are supposed to do what I want them to do? Beckon-call. Everyone does that for me, at least they should. Just don’t know if they know it, but I will keep trying until they do get it! Persistence. Oh yes, I’ll keep at it until I’m satisfied.

So unhappy I am.

I just don’t want to admit the ‘why’ of my unhappiness. I used to get on the phone and press three numbers for everything that I needed, but I can’t even do that anymore. Three simple numbers. Surely they knew of their job. And they were always so happy to do their job, or so I thought. They were there for me, at my beckon-call.

It’s much simpler for me now, and all I need to do is press one button. Oh they’ll get here alright, but in their own sweet time it seems. If they don’t arrive within just a couple minutes I’m not happy. So much to complain about. If only that physical therapy on me had worked! They worked with me for over a year and still, nothing! They must be doing something wrong. Surely they are. I’m not supposed to hurt, ever, but I do. So they need to provide different therapy for me so that I experience zero pain. I’m fine just sitting here, as long as I have everything that I need within my reach, and do not want for anything.

Me, me, me, me, me.

I can pretend really well too. As long as the conversation or situation goes my way, I can pretend everything is great. Yes, as long as I can do that, I am able to continue on and manipulate and control others. Surely I will give it my best effort to do just that, manipulate and control.

I can’t even call the local liquor store and place my order for personalized beer shipments to my house anymore. It’s really great because I can make the phone call and my custom order will arrive within minutes. They know me well. I’ve been a regular for many years. They’re like family actually. Family that I am able to cut my conversation short with, because I really only want one thing. Guess that’s why I very rarely call my own children. I can’t limit the conversation as I would like. I don’t get out, I don’t see anyone else. I don’t care to see or hear from anyone else, so I don’t. Call that is.

Beer still arrives, but in limited quantity. Dammit, why can’t I control that too?! I am very unhappy about that. I don’t like to ration my beer. I want all the beer that I can have so that I can drink as much as I would like, whenever I would like to. Of course alcohol intake is not the reason why I kept dialing those three simple numbers, or the one button as it is now. I just don’t have the muscle strength. If only those physical therapists had done their job correctly, I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in now. They’re stupid.

Darn, I just want what I want, when I want it! Everyone around me just doesn’t get it. Simply do as I say and I’ll be fine. Everyone is wrong and they don’t even know it. So frustrating all of this is! All this makes me afraid. I am so afraid. Afraid because there is so much that I can no longer control, or ever will control. However, you will never hear me speak of all this. I would not allow that. I will never tell you the real reasons why I am afraid. Nothing written here has anything to do with my fear.

I’m just going to continue to push, and complain, until things go my way.