Actually not full OCD, but OCPD. Look it up. Under the Musings tab is my first essay of 2021 titled I Just Don’t Know How They Ever Do It. The page is something I’m sure some people experience, but those people are probably few and far between. It’s certainly a ‘musing’ and something I needed to write. 2H0N2Y1.
If you have ever read the children’s story, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, you will find a very close parallel to my newest post. If you have never read The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane you need to, as there are many connections in the story to life in general. Just posted under the I Remember tab is an essay titled He Found Me, Again. Check it out, it will warm your heart.
We were a force. We knew what we were doing, and when we didn’t, we helped one another. We built on each other’s strengths, and we were friends. Newly posted in the ‘I Remember’ tab is an essay titled Suzanne, Kim, and I. This post idea came to me this morning while I was playing the piano. I don’t know why it did and it doesn’t really matter but I had many smiles while writing about this piece of my life.
Newly posted in Green tab is an essay titled ‘I HAD to Swim in the Lake’. Any Green essay is never easy for me to write, only because they have always had such a negative impact on me emotionally. Happy to say that I do overcome the recurring ‘terror’ and am a survivor. However, the stories continue and have always been significant in my life. For whatever reason I was compelled to write this story, today.
I play the piano. Certainly not a virtuoso, but I do play quite well. Playing the piano is not something that is automatically natural in my being, or maybe it is and I just don’t know it, yet. Perhaps it is this sentiment that prevents me from playing as well as I think I should play. I play best when I am all alone. I know I do because when I am all alone there are no inhibitions. There is no fear of making a mistake simply because I know that I am the only one listening. Silly. I have however become more accustomed to playing for others but it must always be initiated by me. I will not take requests to play, at least not yet. To play at request places too much pressure that was not initiated by me. If I am going to play for anyone, I need to first decide that I will do so this way I allow myself time to process the commitment.
While this may all sound to an extent pompous, it is not. It all stems from by efforts to always play perfectly. Everything for me relates back to Perfectionism. Debilitating and sometimes Paralyzing. My ability to play the piano comes with two hours of daily practice. This is not a chore. I enjoy the complexities and intricacies of musical composition. Like an athlete, yes I need to practice.
When unable to play for whatever reason I enjoy watching performances on video, or best live. There is emotion in music. For full appreciation this emotion is to be absorbed by the listener. This is why when watching musical performances, the pianist is most always visibly emotionally moved by the piece that is being played. When I watch these performances, I am always thinking that I wish I could play as well as they do. Their ability looks like perfection to me. Perfection in my ability to play I know is never achievable as there is no such thing as Perfection. However, I know that ability to play as there master musicians is not an impossibility. Doing so, will mean more practice on and off the keyboard. Definitely something for me to strive for.
Newly published under the Musings tab is an essay titled Milestones. I started writing this short essay about five days ago but didn’t complete it until tonight because this day is truly a day of self-reflection and personal thanks. For those who are reading this now, I thank you. Never looking for anything from anybody I simply enjoy writing, for me.
…doesn’t mean you should. I have pondered this sentiment in many areas of my life. Of course I didn’t care when I was younger. Back then, if I could then I would. I think this is often what leads many of us to improper judgement or action. Maybe we should think this instead: Just because I think I can doesn’t mean that I can, safely.
I seem to be in a new phase of similar themed dreams. With many recent dreams being at a large hotel, I figured to write about one…for now. Located under the Dreams tab is the latest, Hotel.
When I tell people that I have a website where I simply write, I sometimes get asked “Do you make any money from it?” I think those who ask are somewhat puzzled when my response is No, that is not my intention.
I guess the internet these days is a viable option to make money, whatever amount that may be. For me, making money from my website has never been the intention. It never will be.
Another question I will get asked is “How many followers do you have?” Unless one is a frequent flyer of social media, of which I am not, one wouldn’t even know what a ‘follower’ is. I don’t care if no one sees my website. Sure I will sometimes point those who I know to it’s URL, but there is typically a reason for doing so.
I write for me, and anyone who likes to read. There are no goofy video clips, no commentary on what someone else said or did. None of that. This is all about me. Hmmm, that statement sounds selfish but it’s not. Think of it like a diary of personal thoughts and memories. I think of it like music in that it does no one any good if it’s not shared with others.
My nephew Sean passed away 4 years ago on November 18. No one knew this would happen, not now. But it did happen. It could happen to anyone at any time.
Newly posted in the I Remember tab is an essay titled Sean is Gone, is a short excerpt of someone special to me in more ways than one. Sean was not only my nephew, he is my sister’s child.
Seanie-boy, …everyone misses you and loves you!