Petdad

I was a talker. My whole life, I was a talker. Ask me a question and I would engage in dialog providing not only an answer to the question but a discussion that will lead to more questions and further answers.

But I am quiet now. Quiet in my own world and if I say nothing, I hear nothing but sounds around me. Birds, scratching, shuffling, tapping, breathing, woofs, meows, music, and comforting sighs. Sounds that I may have never paid much attention to and other sounds that are familiar to me.

The sound of life, the sound of my life.

While spoken words are still enjoyed, necessity of words has changed. I may turn on the television then watch and listen and other times I read or I will write.

And I will listen quietly to those words in my head, and they remain as such, quiet.

It’s not what You think it is. Reason being is that I am a different person. Different, as in I’m not you. We are two people, you and me.

The Love I that Love is unique to me, and while that may sound selfish, it is unique to me. It is comforting, and I like it that way. The Love that I Love is simple, yet it is ever so complex. There are many tendrils of love that reach into our three-dimensional world. And I believe an emotional hurt is a derivative from the tendrils that go beyond our three dimensions. Those tendrils reach out and into a multi-dimensional reality. Those dimensions we cannot see or understand.

The Love that I Love is beyond me. From everything I have done, or will do. From everything I have said, or will say. From every accomplishment I have, or will have. From every tendril of that love I have experienced, or will experience.

If I am still here, then those tendrils of love continue to grow and reach out. Expected or not, they come. Those far-reaching tendrils of love have brought me, and will continue to bring me, more of the Love that I Love.

What is heavy to one person is not the same as what may be heavy to the next. ‘Heavy’ is relative. ‘Heavy’ is organic. ‘Heavy’ is not always heavy.

‘Heavy’ can be both figurative and literal. I never knew or imagined a figurative ‘heavy’ could be so paralyzing. To the mind, to the heart.

To the soul.

‘Heavy’ comes and goes. What may be heavy one day may not be heavy the next. Conversely, what is not heavy on any given day may bring a level of heaviness on any day, at any given time.

The heaviness is unimaginable. It is suffocating. It weighs me down, it pulls on me, it drags me around, and it is relentless.

I don’t like feeling heavy.

-Sky.

I penned those words around 30 years ago, about the same time when I looked up to the sky and actually appreciated what I saw. I was so awestruck at the time and I began taking pictures of these ever-changing clouds. To date I have thousands of cloud pictures. Just clouds, just Sky.

Marvel at what is above you, below you, all around you. Take the time to look and observe. Really observe. We are surrounded with so much natural beauty…it’s there, it’s everywhere. All you have to do is stop and admire all that IS.

We do not stop, nearly enough, to observe the unobserved. -Sky

The puppies are now 2 years of age. Are they still puppies? They still act like puppies so I’ll keep calling them so. Winston and Rosie, the largest and the smallest of the litter. Beautiful Golden Retrievers they are.

They are you, and they are me.

Waves simply are. A natural phenomenon and resulting force of gravitational pull. They are long bodies of water curling into an arched form and breaking on the shore.

Waves, they ebb and flow. A gentle, yet unstoppable force and movement. Intellectually abstract, waves are a metaphor of life.

Am I to learn something from this overpowering, yet beautiful minuet of water? Do I merely sit and watch? Do I take part in the endeavor? Do I simply listen to the sound of its aquatic voice? Do I? Do I.

I am my life, I am grateful for these waves. Its sometimes exhilarating rush that can turn me upside down with laughter. The commanding flow,… there is nothing in its equivalence. Action -> Reaction, Push -> Pull. Balance and equilibrium have their place, everywhere, and they will be known.

The pain and anguish of ebb in life is real. I have felt its drain on my soul, and it just plain hurts. The pain and anguish of ebb in one’s life happens to all, and over time no one escapes its tormenting wrath.

Whatever I can do is all I am able. Everything I can do is for my family and for my friends, always.

You were with me today as I played. It’s actually been a few weeks since I sat at the Steinway. Sorry, I know you missed it. I missed it. But today was a surprisingly good playing day. It felt good to play for you. I hope you liked it.

I looked up at you and smiled. You sat with me. The four Goldens laid at my feet, all around me. Holly, Enzo, Winston, and Rosie. Everybody was calm and peaceful, and the Steinway’s notes filled the air with many memories. I hope any mistakes I made weren’t too noticeable. Actually I made very few errors and it all sounded rather nice, thank you.

Of the pieces I played, what was your favorite today?

I wasn’t always this old. At least I never thought of myself as old. I never really understood how one ‘gets old’. Why stop doing things and activities that were once enjoyed? Why allow stress and fatigue to prevail? My life’s trek has forever been one filled with creativity, imagination, dream, and optimism. I was a child of wonder, filled with unlimited possibilities of what could be. I could almost fly.

Then, life plays out. Changes occur. Changes simply just ‘happen’. That part of life is tough, real tough. And now I navigate the world, my life, through a completely different lens. The veil has been removed.

I wasn’t always this old. At least I never thought of myself as old, until now.

I thought it would be a good idea to take you out to lunch at Heroes today. There we were driving to the eatery we had visited on the last day of setting up my classroom at the beginning of every new school year. We didn’t go at the beginning of this year because you weren’t around. So how about today?

As we arrived at the destination, I noticed the restaurant parking lot wasn’t as full as usual but that was only after I ‘got a good spot’. Getting out of the truck, I also thought to bring the rock you painted for me three years ago. We were going to Heroes and I already know what we’d order, the turkey stack with steak fries. That meal was always so large that we’d always only order one turkey stack and then split it.

Approaching the entrance I see that they don’t open until 4p. They used to always be open in the afternoon!? I wonder if they just haven’t moved to a Summer schedule yet if they have one or if business had dropped resulting in a limited time being open during the day. Bummer, I guess we’re not eating lunch at Heroes today.

Maybe because you weren’t there.