I’m Not Happy With You

How do I word this without sounding insensitive? I’ve been holding on to this feeling for some time, and realize now there is nothing I can do to change it. To change the feeling of abandonment, the feeling of being let down. I can’t change that feeling. It’s an emotion that stems from being unwillingly stranded.

I know that I’m not ignored, at least not completely. One cannot ignore incessant reminders of what was, and what is being done in the aftermath. But I am being ghosted by you, and it is hurtful. It does no good to call you out by name, you know who you are. I just wanted to let you know that we are feeling let down by what is not being said, what is not being done, from those we thought cared. Actually cared.

Remember, it wasn’t me with flimsy excuses, it wasn’t me who hung up. It was you. Do you remember? Wasn’t that long ago.

What I used to think, how I thought about you, has changed. Not by my actions, rather by your inaction. And I just don’t understand.

Maybe that’s why I feel the way I do. I do not understand, or at least fully. Will I ever fully understand? Probably not. But maybe someday I can somehow grasp a shred of what you are going through. Maybe that would help to explain the lack of deep sensitivity on your part. A level of sensitivity one would assume to come naturally from humankind. I am not you, and you are not me. Internalize that, please.

Don’t read into this as if it were personal letter, that would be egotistically presumptuous on your part. Only you will know its application, if any. Those that know, know. Simply know that I am not happy with you, at least for now. Hard to think she could be happy with you right now either. It will be some time before I might possibly reconcile the opposite of that sentiment from within.

Just know, it still hurts, and your actions do nothing to alleviate that pain. This is all I can do. Now, the ball is in your court.

Dear Staff

Dear Staff, June 3, 2005

‘Change comes from within’.  Regardless of where this phrase originated, I’ve always liked the simplicity and depth of what this phrase means and what it can do in a person.

I remember my first job (my first career) out of college when one of my colleagues said “The only thing constant here is change.”  The young newbie I was in the working world couldn’t fully understand that comment and was not comfortable with its implication.

Not once in college years or my first career did I ever think about changing careers, but changing careers is exactly what organically happened, twice more.

Becoming a teacher in my 40’s was interesting.  My decision and radical change would mean that I needed to return to college and receive further instruction to further embark on my ‘next venture’ in life.  I remember just before concluding my first teaching year I told Irene ‘I’m not sure teaching is the right decision for me, maybe I’ll change careers again’.  Irene, who was always the level-headed one between us both and the one who kept my feet on the ground said to me, “No, you’re going to stick with teaching for at least a couple years and then make your decision.”

Irene was certainly the one to ‘reel me in’ when it came to sensible practicality.

Within those first couple years teaching I found my groove, and I absolutely loved it.  Teaching became my most challenging, yet most rewarding career ever.  I never wanted to leave teaching.  Knowing that I was instrumental, even by the smallest aspect, of shaping minds of young children as we teachers in the elementary setting, all worked together toward one common goal.  It was awesome.

As my career continued I experienced change in me as a person.  No longer was my goal to ‘make more money’ for self-benefit.  I simply wanted to ‘make a difference’, and that was freeing for me.

Occurrences in life are always bound by cause and effect. This disruption results in some type of change, big and small.

As you all are aware, my Irene passed away last June (25), and my world immediately changed.  The decision to come back to school this year was not an easy one, but for my mental health it was good to be ‘back’.

Before Irene passed I was having a great time teaching and with no intention to retire.  And then this year brought my second shoulder replacement of which I did not want to take place during the school year again.  But the surgery needed to occur, and I had to succumb to reality.

Being out, and further pondering ‘change comes from within’, I realized that change comes from without too.  Cause and effect.  With the loss of Irene, my life and what I did on a daily basis needed to make some major adjustments.  This greater perspective made me realize that I no longer saw myself continuing my teaching career.  With that, I needed to make the very difficult decision, ‘I guess this is when I retire.’

CJD is a very rare and spontaneous disease that strikes only 300-500 people in the entire US each year.  Going forward, my life’s mission will be to help the CJD Foundation (Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease) in any way possible to continue research, advocate for funding, and further CJD education within the medical world.  Irene has made this possible for me.  This is the direction I need to go.

Whether you are on the Admin staff, teaching staff, office staff, or auxiliary support staff, I will truly miss you all!

#0 peeps, I’m out.

Believe
🙂