Irene didn’t die on 9/11, but her actual Birthday is 9/11.

On September 11, 2001 we woke-up very early together and were both truly happy. It was her birthday. Before she would go to work I’d go with her to the gym and we’d work out together. September 11, 2001 was a Tuesday, and that was our arm day. We’d work biceps and triceps until our arms felt like spaghetti.

I remember once we had finished, we both went to our respective locker rooms to gather our bags and then head out for home. Walking into the locker room, there were a couple guys standing below the television monitor watching intently on what looked like some futuristic war movie. It had to be a movie because the World Trade Center was billowing with smoke. I remember thinking, ‘Wow what movie is that?’

That was when I realized what I was seeing on the television was not a movie. Something bad had just happened. I quickly left the locker room to join Irene in the lobby. ‘Did you see the tv?’, I asked. She had, and was very unsettled. The headquarters for the company she worked for at the time, Dow Jones & Company Inc., was located literally across the street from the World Trade Center. Irene had an office in that building when we lived in NYC/NJ.

Though we were now back in Southern California, the unsettling feeling we both had, and her connection to fellow workers at the Corporate office were strong. It was where her two bosses worked.

Our drive home was hurried. She needed to get on the phone to the DJ Corporate office and find out what had happened, and I just needed to get home. I felt sick. What was happening?

Once home, I quickly turned on the television as the event was still ‘just’ one of the towers billowing with smoke. We were glued to the tv. And then we saw on live tv the second tower getting hit by a large plane. We were worried, scared, and we were stunned. As we watched, I remember saying to Irene that it looked like the first tower was slightly canted near the top third, and it didn’t look good at all. Thinking perhaps I had imagined the building’s angle due to all the surrounding heat from the fire, that’s what it had to be.

But it wasn’t my imagination. We both watched in horror as the first tower essentially liquefied on itself. It just came down on itself, it imploded. And not long after the first tower fell, the second tower met the same fate on live tv.

I remember while watching live helicopter footage and seeing some people frantically waving for help from the tower’s broken windows. I also remember seeing some people jump from those windows, knowing the fate of their own life. That was very hard to see and something I’ll never forget.

Irene frantically showered, dressed, and bravely went to work at her Los Angeles office. She was on her phone and listening to the radio broadcast during the entire drive. Me, I was still glued to the tv, and would not leave it the entire day.

The emotional feeling I had was not at all good. I felt sick, disoriented and confused. I wanted for the day to pass quickly so Irene could come home. I needed comfort and wanted to call and talk with my parents, which I did.

I wanted for Irene’s Birthday to be a happy one, which it would not. How could it be? By far the worst event to ever happen in our lifetime occurred on her Birthday and even if it had occurred on another day, it would have been someone’s Birthday. Heavy.

The events of 9/11 would forever scar the ‘happiness’ for her own birthday celebration. The heaviness she felt wasn’t a selfish one for her, it was a heaviness she felt for all of humanity, for the entire world.

I’ve spent countless hours revisiting the events of 9/11, watching current memorial coverage, and even historical footage. And I never feel good about any of it. I’m still stunned, just as we all are. However now, 9/11 has an added component to the heaviness and grief I feel.

I think of Irene every single day. And now 9/11 for me has become grief sandwiched with grief. She’s not physically here with me anymore but I can still hear her voice, I can still feel her touch. I can still feel her being. Stay with me girl, I’ll always hold on to you.

Happy Birthday Snuggles! I love you bunches and bunches, infinity times infinity, to the power of infinity. I’ll see you later.