During my first job out of college a colleague once told me ‘Welcome to (name of company), where no sense makes sense’. Here I am, this fresh-out-of-college kid that saw the working world through rose colored glasses. Naive yes. While personal and working relationships often uncover disparity and non-sensical action, I quickly learned what the ‘working world’ was really about. Sometimes procedure and action at this company didn’t make sense, at least to me. So I accepted that reality and rode the wave until the late 80’s economic wipeout.
My nighttime dreams typically make a lot of sense to me even if they are fantastical. Periodically however these subconscious adventures take me on a wild ride that I simply cannot make any sense from, although I try.
Just posted under the Dreams tab is an entry titled In the ‘Mountains, on a Bike’. This dream began in a logical fashion, and then branched off into seemingly endless tendrils of thought. It was fun to experience, but I gave up on trying to put it into some form of logical meaning.
I’m generally always cold. It’s kind of lousy because in the ‘Winter’ I will often get ‘chilled to the bone’ cold and cannot seem to warm myself up. Not sure if temperature affects many people like it does me, or someone who is hypersensitive to all things sensory, but I’d rather be very warm or even hot over being cold.
I also do not let hair grow on my head. I shave it with a blade every few days. I love being ‘bald’. Fortunately the shape of my head lends itself to not having any hair. The problem here is that most of our body heat is expended through our head and I’ve elected to shave off the very thing on my head to help keep me warm. Oh bother… what to do other than wear a beanie on my head. This is a most-often situation. At least it helps to keep me warm.
Why people do what people do is very interesting as it does not always make logical ‘sense’.
So strange as it has been almost one complete year now that we have all been sheltered and enclosed to ourselves. Removed from much of what we enjoy. Complacency has given many the potentially unsafe license to venture out of the protection, greatly resulting from the need for emotional sanity.
I am reminded of the Ray Bradbury short story, All Summer in a Day. Rain perpetually falls upon the planet, and only once every seven years does the sun expose itself for a brief few moments only to begin raining again. Humanity is enclosed indoors for drastically long periods of time without the freedom to roam.
We are currently in limbo time ourselves, yet no pattern if any has been established.
I cut short my typical routine this morning of playing the piano for two hours because I started to think about other ‘stuff’ while playing. I only played for one hour. This ‘other stuff’ while playing becomes a distraction and therefore I am generally compelled to act. Fortunately for me my compulsions are all safe. In the Musings tab is a short piece titled Avoid the Inevitable. The piece is not meant as a ‘debbie-downer’, I just needed to write about some of the musings that are always swirling in my brain. I did however vow to myself to play for at least another hour after school today.
Actually not full OCD, but OCPD. Look it up. Under the Musings tab is my first essay of 2021 titled I Just Don’t Know How They Ever Do It. The page is something I’m sure some people experience, but those people are probably few and far between. It’s certainly a ‘musing’ and something I needed to write. 2H0N2Y1.
If you have ever read the children’s story, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane, you will find a very close parallel to my newest post. If you have never read The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane you need to, as there are many connections in the story to life in general. Just posted under the I Remember tab is an essay titled He Found Me, Again. Check it out, it will warm your heart.
We were a force. We knew what we were doing, and when we didn’t, we helped one another. We built on each other’s strengths, and we were friends. Newly posted in the ‘I Remember’ tab is an essay titled Suzanne, Kim, and I. This post idea came to me this morning while I was playing the piano. I don’t know why it did and it doesn’t really matter but I had many smiles while writing about this piece of my life.
Newly posted in Green tab is an essay titled ‘I HAD to Swim in the Lake’. Any Green essay is never easy for me to write, only because they have always had such a negative impact on me emotionally. Happy to say that I do overcome the recurring ‘terror’ and am a survivor. However, the stories continue and have always been significant in my life. For whatever reason I was compelled to write this story, today.
I play the piano. Certainly not a virtuoso, but I do play quite well. Playing the piano is not something that is automatically natural in my being, or maybe it is and I just don’t know it, yet. Perhaps it is this sentiment that prevents me from playing as well as I think I should play. I play best when I am all alone. I know I do because when I am all alone there are no inhibitions. There is no fear of making a mistake simply because I know that I am the only one listening. Silly. I have however become more accustomed to playing for others but it must always be initiated by me. I will not take requests to play, at least not yet. To play at request places too much pressure that was not initiated by me. If I am going to play for anyone, I need to first decide that I will do so this way I allow myself time to process the commitment.
While this may all sound to an extent pompous, it is not. It all stems from by efforts to always play perfectly. Everything for me relates back to Perfectionism. Debilitating and sometimes Paralyzing. My ability to play the piano comes with two hours of daily practice. This is not a chore. I enjoy the complexities and intricacies of musical composition. Like an athlete, yes I need to practice.
When unable to play for whatever reason I enjoy watching performances on video, or best live. There is emotion in music. For full appreciation this emotion is to be absorbed by the listener. This is why when watching musical performances, the pianist is most always visibly emotionally moved by the piece that is being played. When I watch these performances, I am always thinking that I wish I could play as well as they do. Their ability looks like perfection to me. Perfection in my ability to play I know is never achievable as there is no such thing as Perfection. However, I know that ability to play as there master musicians is not an impossibility. Doing so, will mean more practice on and off the keyboard. Definitely something for me to strive for.
Newly published under the Musings tab is an essay titled Milestones. I started writing this short essay about five days ago but didn’t complete it until tonight because this day is truly a day of self-reflection and personal thanks. For those who are reading this now, I thank you. Never looking for anything from anybody I simply enjoy writing, for me.