Caught in an Undertow

Time to think. Sometimes I feel that time of thinking is overwhelming, too much cognitive processing. Is there such a thing as too much cognitive processing? Of course it all depends on what one is thinking about.

For me, the word ponder is a deeper level of thinking, and I believe that sometimes I ponder too much about everything. It becomes mentally exhausting.

Dad died three months ago. Mom died two months ago. Sean died almost six years ago. Bonnie and Clyde died two years ago. Grant died two years ago. I lost a good friend one month ago. Opie died three days ago. I’ve had it. Enough death.

Stoic I appear, stoic I am not.

Writing helps, exercise helps, piano helps. Then what? Default: Sleep. Then I awake the next day.

I had to look up the Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. None of these categories looks uplifting. They’re not. Studies show these ‘stages’ do not have a specific timeframe, or manifest necessarily in any order, other than Acceptance being last.

While I may wish to not lose anyone, this is Life being Life. It’s the Circle of Life, and it hurts. There is nothing easy about it.

Caught in an undertow of strong emotion we manage, hopefully.

Hopefully, we manage.

One thought on “Caught in an Undertow

  1. michelleaverso July 31, 2022 / 7:00 am

    Thanks for sending this, Rudy. I know personally how hard loosing your parents can be. My mom passed in 2006 and my dad in 2010. You never stop missing them and even though my mom was sick for 18 months, nothing prepares you for the final blow. I wasn’t ready to live the rest of my life without her. My German Shephard, Gretchen died 3 months later and my uncle just one month before. I concluded that grief is the price for love. After my mom died, I saw a counselor because I couldn’t seem to “get over” her passing. She said, “Did you think you would just cry and then be over it?” Makes me kind of laugh when I think about it now because I really did think it would be that simple. She also taught me about those stages of grief, and I didn’t realize they don’t go in order. It’s tough to realize that life is messy and not as organized as we would like it.

    I still miss my parents every day…..


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