Author: RPet

Chopin, Mozart, Bach, & Hans Zimmer

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You were with me today as I played. It’s actually been a few weeks since I sat at the Steinway. Sorry, I know you missed it. I missed it. But today was a surprisingly good playing day. It felt good to play for you. I hope you liked it.

I looked up at you and smiled. You sat with me. The four Goldens laid at my feet, all around me. Holly, Enzo, Winston, and Rosie. Everybody was calm and peaceful, and the Steinway’s notes filled the air with many memories. I hope any mistakes I made weren’t too noticeable. Actually I made very few errors and it all sounded rather nice, thank you.

Of the pieces I played, what was your favorite today?

Journey of an Old Man

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I wasn’t always this old. At least I never thought of myself as old. I never really understood how one ‘gets old’. Why stop doing things and activities that were once enjoyed? Why allow stress and fatigue to prevail? My life’s trek has forever been one filled with creativity, imagination, dream, and optimism. I was a child of wonder, filled with unlimited possibilities of what could be. I could almost fly.

Then, life plays out. Changes occur. Changes simply just ‘happen’. That part of life is tough, real tough. And now I navigate the world, my life, through a completely different lens. The veil has been removed.

I wasn’t always this old. At least I never thought of myself as old, until now.

No thank you

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My jaws are sore.

My head is a mess.

I don’t want to stop thinking about you.

I don’t feel like talking today.

I don’t want to participate in the discussion.

I don’t want to participate today.

I don’t want to participate in today.

I no longer want to participate.

I’m ‘better’ today.

Slightly better than yesterday.

I’m here.

I’m participating.

Today.

Heroes

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I thought it would be a good idea to take you out to lunch at Heroes today. There we were driving to the eatery we had visited on the last day of setting up my classroom at the beginning of every new school year. We didn’t go at the beginning of this year because you weren’t around. So how about today?

As we arrived at the destination, I noticed the restaurant parking lot wasn’t as full as usual but that was only after I ‘got a good spot’. Getting out of the truck, I also thought to bring the rock you painted for me three years ago. We were going to Heroes and I already know what we’d order, the turkey stack with steak fries. That meal was always so large that we’d always only order one turkey stack and then split it.

Approaching the entrance I see that they don’t open until 4p. They used to always be open in the afternoon!? I wonder if they just haven’t moved to a Summer schedule yet if they have one or if business had dropped resulting in a limited time being open during the day. Bummer, I guess we’re not eating lunch at Heroes today.

Maybe because you weren’t there.

Dear Staff

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Dear Staff, June 3, 2005

‘Change comes from within’.  Regardless of where this phrase originated, I’ve always liked the simplicity and depth of what this phrase means and what it can do in a person.

I remember my first job (my first career) out of college when one of my colleagues said “The only thing constant here is change.”  The young newbie I was in the working world couldn’t fully understand that comment and was not comfortable with its implication.

Not once in college years or my first career did I ever think about changing careers, but changing careers is exactly what organically happened, twice more.

Becoming a teacher in my 40’s was interesting.  My decision and radical change would mean that I needed to return to college and receive further instruction to further embark on my ‘next venture’ in life.  I remember just before concluding my first teaching year I told Irene ‘I’m not sure teaching is the right decision for me, maybe I’ll change careers again’.  Irene, who was always the level-headed one between us both and the one who kept my feet on the ground said to me, “No, you’re going to stick with teaching for at least a couple years and then make your decision.”

Irene was certainly the one to ‘reel me in’ when it came to sensible practicality.

Within those first couple years teaching I found my groove, and I absolutely loved it.  Teaching became my most challenging, yet most rewarding career ever.  I never wanted to leave teaching.  Knowing that I was instrumental, even by the smallest aspect, of shaping minds of young children as we teachers in the elementary setting, all worked together toward one common goal.  It was awesome.

As my career continued I experienced change in me as a person.  No longer was my goal to ‘make more money’ for self-benefit.  I simply wanted to ‘make a difference’, and that was freeing for me.

Occurrences in life are always bound by cause and effect. This disruption results in some type of change, big and small.

As you all are aware, my Irene passed away last June (25), and my world immediately changed.  The decision to come back to school this year was not an easy one, but for my mental health it was good to be ‘back’.

Before Irene passed I was having a great time teaching and with no intention to retire.  And then this year brought my second shoulder replacement of which I did not want to take place during the school year again.  But the surgery needed to occur, and I had to succumb to reality.

Being out, and further pondering ‘change comes from within’, I realized that change comes from without too.  Cause and effect.  With the loss of Irene, my life and what I did on a daily basis needed to make some major adjustments.  This greater perspective made me realize that I no longer saw myself continuing my teaching career.  With that, I needed to make the very difficult decision, ‘I guess this is when I retire.’

CJD is a very rare and spontaneous disease that strikes only 300-500 people in the entire US each year.  Going forward, my life’s mission will be to help the CJD Foundation (Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease) in any way possible to continue research, advocate for funding, and further CJD education within the medical world.  Irene has made this possible for me.  This is the direction I need to go.

Whether you are on the Admin staff, teaching staff, office staff, or auxiliary support staff, I will truly miss you all!

#0 peeps, I’m out.

Believe
🙂

In-Parents

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For me, the relative-by-marriage title ‘In-Law’ has always sounded somewhat less-than, separated from me. Never been a fan of the term but would use it in appropriate context, until recently.

My parents both passed-away three years ago. At that time Irene said to me that I was an orphan. I guess I was. That fact alone made me sad. When Irene passed-away last June my ‘credentials’ were again modified to include Widower. Now, I am an orphan and a widower. I don’t like what those words mean, they are both so lonely.

My relationship with Irene’s parents has grown since Irene’s passing. Something I would not have imagined to occur. But her parents are my connection to her entire life, not simply the 45 years (in total) that I was with her. Eddie and Frances have always been supportive and loving, and when Irene was ill, they were with me nearly every day at the hospital.

I have no living biological parents, but I still do have ‘parents’ I can count on. They are not my in-laws, they are my loving in-parents.

Verona

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The first stanza of the song Verona, by Muse, is this:

Can we kiss
With poison on our lips
Well I’m not scared

The song has mesmerized me from the moment I first heard it 3 years ago and it is hauntingly beautiful. I have listened to it repeatedly many times, probably every time I’ve played it.

Good music coupled with good lyrics have heart and soul poured into them. There is a message in the piece, there is a reason, a real reason why the piece is produced and created. True artistry is a direct line into what the artist feels. An evocation of emotion and message. An invitation.

Allowing such a piece to break into your own being translates to personal release, an emotional connection, and possibly an etherial journey.

Verona

Some Good, and Some Bad

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Grief is whacky. Sure time ‘helps’ to heal the grieving soul but in actuality, help really isn’t a meaningful verb in context. I lost Irene 6 months ago, and while I don’t walk around the house with a lowered head all the time now, it still does occur. I know when I’m doing it too much when my neck starts to ache from the weight of my bowed head. I am far from grief relief, yet I’m not looking to be rid of it. Grief.

What I feel from losing Irene is unique to me. I’m the only one who feels this way, literally. Others may grieve but even among other individuals grief is different. My grief is different than that of Irene’s parents, and her siblings. Each one of us had an individual connection with her and their grief is unique as well. It’s the same for any relationship in life. The same for you, your loved ones and those you care for dearly.

What next?

I guess I should be thankful for how I feel? Such a dichotomy of answers and conclusions to this one. How could I be thankful? Because I’m still here? How could I not be thankful? Because she was my wife and we lovingly shared most of our lives together, that’s how.

There are so many things that make sense in life, and so many things that utterly do not make sense. Friends and family are always there for support and they definitely help, but the grief does not go away. It’s all in what I do from this point forward.

The ravages of linear time seems to be taking its toll on me and I feel older. I don’t like that. Perhaps I’m simply beginning to feel my actual age, I don’t know.

There are some good days, and there are some bad days. What do I do with them? There are good days with bad moments, and there are some bad days with good moments. Regardless, it’s all rather crappy. How can I eliminate one category and string the desired one in consecutive manner? I cannot. Deal with it.

Loss is loss, and it’s different for all who experience this reality of life. Life is real, and because that is so, death is real too. I am selfish to think that only one of those realities should ever become of me and my existence.

It just, is.